Page 124 - NyghtVision Magazine Volume 4 #2
P. 124
because they had the combination of vision refuse to relinquish the last vestige of my free-
and determination. Somehow, they could see dom and dignity. For me, even the simplest
past the certainty of their own death. Just as human decisions can be an act of rebellion, an
he had. Would I? act of choosing life over death. It tires me. But
I had once upon a time. I survived the I went. I rebel.
hell of the farm and the abuse I suffered at “Hey Falcon,” said the voice from yes-
home. I witnessed the death of seven children terday. “Hey man,” I said as I got up from the
by the time I was ten. The beatings I suffered at machine and walked towards him. “How are
the hands of my parents were harrowing and you today?” I took his hand in mind, holding
brutal. Somehow, I had a sense of defiance. his tightly between mine. Through the dark-
I wasn’t going to let them - my abusers and ness of my eyes I looked at him. Directly. And
the people on the farm - win. If I died, they I smiled.
would win. So, one way or the other, I had to His smile told me that he felt connect-
live. But in a world in which the price we pay ed, refreshed, moved, by my kindness.
for being human is death, in a world where I
find no intimacy, only the pretense of love and “I’m here with my son today. I’m teach-
reciprocity, I have grown tired and less certain ing him to lift.”
that the will to live is warranted. Sometimes, “Wow. That’s good.” I looked in the di-
the real act of defiance is not choosing life. It rection of his son. “Hey,” I said. He gave me
is rebelling against the futility of human life by that “I could care a rat’s ass about saying hello,
choosing death. in fact I don’t want to be here........” look. A few
minutes later, I watched him walk towards the
And yet, he had chosen to learn to walk
again. door. I watched his feet tenderly, cautiously,
move across the floor. I could feel the sheer
Would I? force of his will move his feet tenuously over
It was a long and sleepless nyght. So, when it the floor.
came time to go to the gym, it was an effort. I walked over to a weight bench and sat
Still, I knew I had to go. If I don’t exercise, I down. I took my glasses off and rubbed my
don’t get hungry and that will take my deci- eyes. Even closed, they hurt without the veil of
sion to live or die away from me. I will die. I my darkness. Would I have the courage?
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