Page 153 - NyghtVision Magazine Volume 4 #3

"And so you see," I began, "I have come to doubt all that I once held as true. I
stand alone without belief. The only truth I know......" I could feel isis' eyes looking
up at Me. I could feel her hand woven tightly into Mine. I could touch the sadness
I had placed upon her heart. I could see the sadness of the trees in the orchard. I
was there. It was all there. And the sadness rose out of the darkness and held Me.

Held Me.
"The only truth I know is you."

I remembered words I had penned a few days earlier -
So, 'I rebel, therefore we are and we are alone" is inseparable from 'I love,
therefore we are and we are alone.' And it is inseparable from saying 'I am sad,
therefore we are and we are alone.'

And the more I love, then, the sadder I will become. Yet, it isn't denial of
death that defines me as human. It is my rebellion against death. It is loving in
the face of death - and every act of creation is an act of love. Therefore, not only
is every act of creation ladened with sadness, creation engenders sadness just
as it engenders love.

Creation engenders sadness just as it engenders love.
The logic of it all seemed so clear to Me now. "I cannot create," I said aloud at
the risk of awakening the now sleeping Thoth, "without being in the moment and
when I am there, I am there with every moment of sadness I have ever suffered.
Even beneath her smile, I am sad, saddened that the moment cannot last. Sad-
dened that I cannot stop time. Saddened that she is not here as one day I shan't
be. The intensity of emotion I experience in the moment, whatever the emotion is,
finds its roots in every other moment when I have experienced the same emotion. It just happens
that beneath every emotion is sadness. It isn't about letting go of the past. It is about not being
able to be in the moment without being in the past as well. This moment is the confluence of a life
time of moments and the emotion that is there......

Pain is the price I pay for being in the moment. Every time I create I deepen the sadness
which engenders the pain. This is why no matter what I create the sadness is always there. It has
to be. If there is no sadness in the moment, then what I create is not art. It is not human.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, and if I should die before I
wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Except there is no god to keep and no soul to take. Just the sadness. Just the pain. Just the
moment."

Cradling My arms around Thoth I attempted to sit up. I should have known it was futile to
even try. Startled he pushed his claws against My chest, twisted to his left, and was gone. There
was a tear in My shirt and the wetness told Me I had been cut.
"Fuck," I said as I touched the wetness of the open scratch.

Summer 2014 | 153