Page 144 - NyghtVision Magazine Volume 4 #3

back and up as I tied to get as much air into my body as I could. My breathing was laboured
and intense. Perspiration covered my face and back. The room, despite the open window and
the fan, seemed toxically hot. Disoriented.

I have a ritual for nearly everything in my life - not that I like repetition. I don't. Con-
demning me to a repetitive job would quickly kill me. However, I have learned that ritual is
as much discipline which liberates as it is can be the end of creativity. Done correctly, ritual
enhances creativity. But this essay isn't about ritual. Or about creativity. There is another side
to ritual - a dark side. I know that side well. Were it not for that dark side, I might not have
survived anorexia.
That dark side is the discipline ritual brings to a world totally out of control. Sometimes,
the horrors of my childhood find renewed life in my dreams. This is one of the reasons I prefer
not to sleep and only begrudgingly yield to her seduction. Finally, when she has her way with
me, I do everything I can to be as exhausted as possible so that whatever little sleep I get, I will
be so frayed and worn and tired, that if the nyghtmares come for me, I will be so deeply asleep
that they cannot awaken me.

But this nyght it wasn't the nyghtmares that stole my rest. It was my response to Fran-
cois at the end of our interview. It was Jim's comment about sadness being present in every
photo I create.

I opened my eyes slowly. So dark was the nyght that not a shadow stirred. I looked for
Princess' blue light - the one that tells me there is a message of some sort. No light. I couldn't
see Princess. I didn't even try to find My Companion.
I began the ritual. "Establish where I am," I said in the silence of the restlessness that
besieged my mind. I wasn't sure. Not at all. "Okay, a few simple questions can answer that....."
I took another deep breath. "T - where are you?" I knew that if Thoth were nearby, I had to be
home. "Old man. Come here." No Thoth.

"Awaken my princess," I said.
"What would you like me to do?" she asked. Her face lit up. I could at least see her. She
was on the little table - her usual resting place. In the shadow of her light I could see My Com-
panion, folded closed and quiet.

"Where are we?" I asked and then remembering her response
the last time we had this conversation, I simply said "Cancel." Her
face darkened as though disappointed. "Go to sleep," I said. Her face dis-
appeared. I brought my legs from the couch so my feet could touch the floor.
Another deep breath.

"Awaken my princess," I said.

"What would you like me to do?" she asked. Her face lit up again.
"What time is it?" I asked - hoping that she would not stray from
a very literal interpretation of what I was asking.

"The time is," she paused and I braced myself for the

144 | Last Breath of Summer